Dangerous Dating

ILLUSTRATION: Tell a story about something crazy you or someone you know did for love. (Example: I pretended I knew how to play the banjo to impress a girl.)

— TRANSITION —

Unfortunately, especially when it comes to dating, we can pretend to be someone we are not — just to impress someone we don’t really know that well.

• The danger is that it’s possible to fall for a stranger.

• People often put on their best performances when they're trying to impress someone.

• Maybe they fake their interest.

• Maybe they only show you their strengths while hiding their struggles.

• Maybe they flat-out lie about who they are.

• That is why it’s so important to truly get to know anyone before you take the plunge.

• Dating can be dangerous and I don't mean because of cat-fishing or crimes.

• It’s not just about not knowing the other person. Dating can lead to an identity crisis of our own.

• Dating can be dangerous because it can make us play pretend to the point that we lose touch with who we really are.

• You want someone to love the real you, not someone you’re pretending to be.

— TRANSITION —

Yes, It’s possible to fall for a stranger. Believe it or not, there is actually a bizarre Bible story about something even more serious: marrying a stranger. That’s right, ring and all.

• There are a few characters to introduce here.

• First, there is Leah, the older sister who had weak eyes. This doesn’t mean she had bad eyesight. In ancient writing, this meant that she wasn’t conventionally attractive. I know, kind of rude.

• Leah had a younger sister named Rachel, who was absolutely beautiful. Rachel caught Jacob’s eye, and he wanted to marry her on the spot.

• Then this leads us to the hot-head in the middle of this love triangle. Jacob was running from his professional-hunter brother after the whole birthright incident. He was afraid of getting murdered. I can assume he thought that this relationship was the remedy to all his problems, though it clearly ends bizarrely and badly for him.

• This is the danger of dating with the wrong motives. Relationships won’t fix your problems, they won’t make you feel better about yourself, and they won’t save you from your situation.

• Bluntly, relationships act as a microscope for your problems and shortcomings. They don’t make them go away, they just make them stronger.

• No human is going to take away the root of your loneliness.

• No human is going to give you lasting happiness that never wavers.

• No human is going to make you less broken.

• When you’re in a relationship, your insecurities, hurt, and problems will quickly rise to the top and become stronger than ever.

• There is no person on earth who can fix your problems. It’s dangerous to date with that mindset.

— TRANSITION —

The easiest way to protect yourself from heartbreak is to wait until you’re ready. You don’t have to start dating just because it seems like most of your friends are already dating. You just need to focus on what’s right for you.

Here are three dangers of dating when you’re not ready:

1: You compromise.

• Context: In ancient Judaea, marriage was a contract between families. People would often be like, “I want to marry your daughter. Here are three hundred sheep.”

• Thus, Jacob was ready to make a deal when he met Rachel’s father. Without even weighing the costs, he agreed to seven years of manual labor just to win this girl’s hand in marriage. He hadn’t spoken to her for seven minutes, but he was agreeing to work for seven years for her.

• The quickest way to end up with the wrong person is to rush.

• Wait until you actually know the person before pursuing a relationship. Science suggests that feelings of infatuation can last for months, but they will certainly go away. You don’t want to try to build an entire relationship on something as fleeting as a first impression. Ensure they’re who they seem to be. Not only do you want to establish that your connection is actually sustainable, you also want to truly know them.

• Here are some questions to ask before dating someone:

• How do they respond to stress?

• How do they respond to anger?

• How do they treat your friends?

• How do they treat their family?

• Do they love Jesus?

• Do they treat others well?

• Honestly take inventory of them as a person. This will help protect you from heartbreak.

• Sidebar: Especially study how they treat you in the context of your physical boundaries.

• Do they try to push your physical boundaries? God does not set up sexual boundaries because He wants to control you. He just wants to protect you.

• He doesn’t want you to be hurt or get hurt. This is a major test of a person’s character. If someone sins with you, then they’ll likely sin against you.

2: You become demanding.

• Do you see how demanding Jacob became? He screamed, “Give me my wife!” He was demanding this person as a reward for his work.

• Sure, you’ve never done this. However, people often demand rewards within their relationships. People say things like:

• “After all I did for you?”

• “Do you remember when I did that thing for you?”

• “I stayed beside you when no one else did!”

• What are they doing? They’re treating kindness like a contract, but it’s not.

• You should do good things just because you want the best for your partner, not because you expect something in return.

• Unhealthy relationships don’t just demand rewards; they also demand unrealistic expectations of each other.

• It’s not your girlfriend’s job to make you happy.

• It’s not your boyfriend's job to protect you from ever feeling lonely.

• You can’t expect someone else to meet all your needs, especially emotional needs. Why?

• Because it’s not their job.

• That’s between you and Jesus.

3: You become dissatisfied.

• When Jacob woke up and laid his eyes on Leah, his dissatisfaction was evident — and heartbreaking.

• We often think that a relationship will fix our situation, but it may make things worse.

• This mindset may actually act as fuel for our flaws.

• A significant other is not going to fix your loneliness. Learn to experience and enjoy the presence of God first.

• People can’t bring you permanent happiness. Seek the joy of Jesus first.

• Relationships won't make you feel less broken. Discover healing and restoration in Jesus first.

• Dating won’t take away your problems; it’ll only distract you from them. Eventually, the pain is going to reappear. Please present your pain to God today.

Landing: Finding true love is rewarding, but it’s not a reward within itself.

• Unrealistic expectations are a formula for failure.

• No one person is going to bring you fulfillment, happiness, peace, or purpose. You must find fulfillment in your own life in Jesus first, and then, commit to doing life with another person with Jesus at the center of your relationship.

• Look at the end of this story. In verse 35, we see that Jacob and Leah actually had a son together. His name was Judah. His name literally meant “to praise.”

• Despite all the dysfunction Leah endured, she praised God. (Leah knew that her approval was not found in her husband. It was found in God.)

• This son is very important because Jesus came from the tribe ofJudah. Over seven hundred years before Jesus walked on the Earth,God was bringing redemption for all mankind through this rough relationship.

• This story set-up salvation for all humankind.

• Even when dating leads to dissatisfaction or discouragement, God can redeem it.

TALK IT OUT

Go through these questions with your circle. Be honest. Be open. Talk through the tough stuff.

Q1: What silly lie have you told to impress someone?

Q2: Name the couple in your life with the most solid, long-lasting relationship you’ve ever seen. How do they treat each other? What seems to hold them together?

Q3: Jacob was not ready to be in a relationship, so he compromised, rushed, and was dissatisfied. How do you see the same story play out among your friends who are dating?

Q4: What are some of the most important questions to ask someone when you’re getting to know them as a potential partner? What kind of answers do you hope to hear to those questions?

Q5: What’s one thing you learned about relationships from this study of Jacob and Leah?

Q6: Commit to praying every day this week to ask God to help you and your future spouse grow into the people He created you to be.

READ THESE PASSAGES IN ORDER EVERY DAY

Romans 12:21

Luke 6:27-36 1

John 4:7-16 2

Corinthians 6:14-18

Acts 16:6-10

Luke 6:27-36

Psalm 139:1-18

Do the following with each passage:

ASK– God to connect with you here. In prayer, start by slowing down and inviting God to be present. Begin with focus and openness to see what God has for you today.

READ– the selected section of Scripture slowly. Take note of the words and phrases that intrigue you, reading them a second time if necessary.

REFLECT– on what grabs you. How does this passage personally relate to your own life and experiences?

RESPOND– to the Scripture. Speak directly to God about what’s on your mind and heart. Look for ways to live out what you’ve uncovered.